What happens when life squeezes a whole lemon tree on you?
SQUEEZE! A huge lemon! Then another one, then some more until the whole lemon tree's empty. What do you do? Do you make some cool summer cocktail or sink into the bitterness? Hello lemon tree, let's talk about you.
A lot of things have happened during the past two years in my life. I'm getting dizzy of even thinking about it all, in good and in not so good. Not to go deeper into the details, there's one thing I want to share with you. It's something that I never would've believed would happen in my life.
It was May 4th 2017, afternoon. My girl was about to turn three. A doctor invited us to hear the results of an extensive testing that'd been done to our daughter. She had weakness in her legs and the doctors were suspecting that she might have a some sort of a muscular disease (one of the approximately 300, good number, we couldn't google them all). Living with not knowing if your kid would be fatally ill and whether her muscles would turn into raisins was something imaginable. I feel you who've been waiting for any kind of health related news. The fact that the news were not about you but your kid made it something else.
Then the doctor said the words: "Your kid has SMA3, it's a muscular disease. Don't google it. We might have one brochure about it but it's the only one I have so I can't give it to you. There's no medication available yet."
"DON'T GOOGLE IT."
Uhm, seriously? There we were, my husband and I. Feeling a relief going through our bodies and minds. I remember thinking and I still do that this is meant to be. If anyone, we can raise a girl who respects herself and others. There is greater meaning in this. SMA3 is not fatal, and it's not even the most severe version of SMA. It's the lightest form and currently only affects the legs, she can't walk long distances but can sure dance like an angel.
That moment changed everything. My whole world crashed, a world I didn't even know I'd planned and imagined until those words reached my ears. I remember bursting into tears on the streets of Helsinki, in the bus, everywhere, worst was that it came unexpectedly. When seeing a kid running. Then came the other part. Explaining this to your closest and taking their questions and sorrow, when you'd just want to sink to your tears and digest it all. The actual huge storm came a bit later, when the realisations of all the changes we needed to make were lurking in. It came and hit everything. Like a tornado, huge one, taking everything that's not necessary, everything that didn't serve us anymore, all the expectations are gone, all the judgment gone.
Now, a year later, the storm is behind us. I finally feel I understand our life again.
I stopped and pressed refresh button
Yes, I stopped. Calmed down and focused on calmness. And besides, I hate bitterness, I'm a sweet juice maker by nature, so bring on all the freaking lemons! I'll crush you and pour sugar on you!
Our kiddo will get a wheelchair in a few weeks to replace her pram. We're about to start selling our newly renovated home, no lift and too many stairs. Good news is that a medicine has been designed and it's now available in Europe, maybe also in Finland. We're waiting to hear whether we'd get it. If not, we might become medical immigrants. I'm more grounded than ever, and feel more freedom of all the expectations our society was putting on me.
““Confront life. Encounter life. Difficult moments will be there, but one day you will see that those difficult moments gave you strength because you encountered them. They were meant to be. Those difficult moments are hard when you are passing through them, but later on you will see they have made you more integrated. Without them you would never been centered, grounded.””